Wednesday #17 - Spring Break, and Why You Shouldn't Date Superman

HELLO DREAMERS!!!!
       How are you guys doing? Tell me, I want to hear about it. I'm serious, write a comment saying how you're feeling right now (you know you want to). Even if I don't respond to you, simply telling someone how you're feeling will make you feel better (and if you're already on cloud 9, don't get complacent! Cloud 10 is out there, and you're settling for Cloud 9?!?).
     So I recently posted a list of upcoming topics to look forward to, and this week we address a couple of those topics. This week, we're talking about Spring Break and why you should not date Superman... Let's get to it.

Spring Break

     This isn't going to be some crazy story about how I went some where warmer, got drunk, and did stupid things. This is simply a tale of a hike, and a date.

The Hike:

     On the 17th of April (the first day of break), a friend of mine named Tyler and I went on a hike along the AT (Appalachian Trail). We started at Gathland State Park and ended in Harpers Ferry. In total, the hike was about 10 miles long, and was accomplished in about 4 hours (that's 2.5 mph). It was pretty freaking awesome, with jokes and stories, not to mention the killer view at Weverton Cliffs. Of course, there were some B.A. turtles, awesome ice cream cones, and discussions about psychological assault to deter drug use in room mates (a usual hike for me).

The Date:

     So, the National Zoo (sorry, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park) makes for a pretty sweet date. I took my girlfriend there on Friday, to take in the sights (and... interesting... smells) of the various animals there. Totally picked a great entrance point by the Maned Wolf. Which is known for it's distinctly powerful musk, excreted through it urine. 

     Don't I know how to show a girl a good time?

    Urine aside (never thought I'd ever say that), it was really a fun day, even though we didn't get into the reptile house, the small mammal house, the ape house, or Amazonia (lines...). But, we did get to meet one of the coolest birds ever: the Kiwi (not a fruit, a bird).

     The Kiwi come from New Zealand (a series of island south of Australia), which didn't have mammals on the island until humans came to the island. Causing other animals to evolve mammal traits. The Kiwi have really tiny wings. Yep. Tiny, tiny wings.

Why You Shouldn't Date Superman

He'll Kill You:

     Not intentionally, no. Indirectly. In various ways. Like breaking your bones during sex. You think I'm being funny, but I'm not (okay, maybe a little). Superman is best known for his super-human strength. He has the power to quite literally move the moon. And I don't mean George Bailey moon moving, I mean flying into space, and pushing a moon like it was a somewhat heavy couch. If he gets over emotional, tired, or just carried away, you might wind up in the hospital with broken bones galore. 

     He's also being constantly attacked by villains and evil-doers, so if you went on a date with him, chances are you're going to get caught in the crossfire between your hunk of Kryptonian man and another Lex Luthor robot. And unlike Superman, you don't come back to life if you die.

He's Already Married:

     That's right. He's married. Superman (synonymous with Clark Kent) married Louis Lane. Enough said.

You'll Go Broke Buying Sunscreen:

     Superman draws his very life-force from the solar rays of the sun. This means he has to be in near constant exposure to that sweet sweet vitamin D. Assuming that you're definition of dating someone means being around them often, the amount of sun screen you'd need to not shade you skin the same color as your date's cape will make you more broke than your bones after you fell from a tall building that Superman caught you from (it's a physics things: he wouldn't have been able to reduce speed in time to catch Louis without breaking her human bones). You had better hope investigative journalism is a lucrative career.

You'll Get No Privacy:

     Superman has telescopic, x-ray vision. Not assuming weird perverted things, he could see you were ever you are. That means if he wants to find you, he will. And you can't plan surprises either. Whether he hears it with his super hearing or hears it when he reads your mind, he'll know. I hope you don't like the occasional alone time. 

He's Never Home:

     Not that you'll ever see him. Whether it's training somewhere, visiting his adoptive parents, fighting crime in Metropolis, or in the Galaxy when he helps Green Lantern, or when ever the Justice League calls him in. Or if he goes on assignment for his job (you know, that thing he often forgets he has).

You'll Never Be Right:

     With a perfect photographic memory, a super brain, and the memory skills to quickly learn and memorize DNA, you'll never need a fact check again. Especially when you're arguing with him.

He Can Be Toppled By Pubescent Wizards:

     Superman is weak to magic. Not just Kryptonite. But also 11 year-old Brits with little sticks (Harry Potter, so we're all clear). That's right, you're amazing superhero boyfriend can clear buildings in a single bound, move planets, reverse time, shoot lasers, turn invisible, and produce an impact equivalent to 10 octillion megatons (which is equal to dropping 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Tsar Bomba nukes, the most powerful bomb humanity has made) can be dropped by a swish and flick. 

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

- William Blake

"Did you just barf that out your neck?" - Teresa Svincek